


Best Laid Plans

by LulaMadison



Category: The Avengers (2012), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Gen, Plans, Pranks and Practical Jokes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-01
Updated: 2012-12-01
Packaged: 2017-11-20 00:23:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/579255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LulaMadison/pseuds/LulaMadison
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A short, one scene fill for <a href="http://norsekink.livejournal.com/11219.html?thread=25919699">this prompt</a> on Norsekink: <em>It's always been my head canon that Loki is terrible at planning. Or rather that he comes up with awesome plans and then halfway through sees more opportunities for mischief and he just can't help himself from taking them, but on Midgard he's got Clint. And Clint is efficient, disciplined and smart and he'll do whatever it takes to keep his boss on track.</em></p><p>Clint and Loki discuss the plan for the invasion of Earth on the way to Stuttgart.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Best Laid Plans

Loki wasn't quite sure where his new slave, Barton, had acquired the flying machine he called a 'Quinjet'. He thought that the agent had explained where all the scientists and military personnel had come from too, but he couldn't recollect what Barton has said.

Apparently they were heading to somewhere called Stuttgart, but Loki couldn't quite remember why, as once he’d heard the word ‘eyeball’ he was too excited to concentrate on the rest of the conversation because soon he would get to cause damage to someone’s face and it was all rather exciting.

“So then… You know the plan?” Clint asked, as he climbed from the co pilot seat of the jet, and moved into the back of the craft where Loki sat, dressed in a dark green suit.

“Oh yes,” Loki replied confidently. “My plan is to become king.”

“That wasn't quite the plan I meant,” Clint said, as he sat in the seat opposite. “And king of where exactly?”

“King of Midgard, of course.”

“And Midgard is Earth, right?” Clint asked. Loki nodded. “Slight problem there. We don’t have a single king. Some countries have kings and queens, but others have elected presidents, and governments. Even the countries with kings, most of them don’t have any kind of real power, they're just like a figurehead.”

“Then I shall slay all the other kings, queens, and presidents and take their countries by force. Mark my words, I shall be king of this realm,” Loki growled.

“Okk _ayyyyy_ … And you remember what I told you?” Clint asked, but Loki stared at him blankly. “About the team?”

“Oh yes, the Avengers,” Loki said, then he frowned slightly. “Tell me about them again.”

“Well, there's Steve Rogers, also known as Captain America, he will definitely turn up. Right now he’s like Fury’s golden boy. He will probably be the first person he calls on,” Clint said, as he held up a tablet and showed Loki footage of Steve in uniform.

“He looks a little pale,” Loki said.

Clint turned the tablet back around slightly to look at it. “It’s old footage. They didn't have colour film back then.”

“Ahhh,” Loki replied.

“He’s a super soldier, he was given a serum that made him strong and fast, but he was buried in ice for 70 years, so I guess that’s gotta have some effect,” Clint said as he flicked through photos.

“A man out of his time. Useful information. Who else?”

“Well, Fury mentioned that the tesseract gives off Gamma radiation, so I guess they’ll bring Banner in.”

“Banner?”

“He’s a scientist, specialises in Gamma radiation, he was also given a serum, but it went wrong, and now he turns into this giant green monster when he gets angry,” Clint said, as he turned the tablet around and showed images of Hulk rampaging through Harlem.

“How entertaining!” Loki declared as he watched. “Perhaps your realm will offer me some heroes worthy of defeat after all.”

“You need to stay away from Banner, believe me, you do NOT want to mess with him.”

“Excuse me?” Loki asked, raising an eyebrow. “You dare to give orders to a god?”

“No, sir, _no_ ,” Clint stuttered. “I'm just giving you my honest opinion… Although, if Fury does bring Banner in we might be able to turn that to our advantage.”

“I could seduce him,” Loki said hopefully.

“You could seduce Banner or you could seduce the hulk?” Clint asked.

“Either. I’ve done it before,” Loki said, then he batted his eyelids, and continued, “I can be marvellously seductive when I want to be.”

“I don’t think I understand where you’re going with this...”

“On Asgard we once had an issue with a Jotun who was building a wall. He had help from a magnificent stallion, so I turned into a beautiful mare.”

“You turned into a mare?”

“I did, yes. I lured the stallion away, the Jotun failed in his task and was swiftly executed,” Loki said happily, and then his face fell. “I’d rather not talk about the rest of it.”

“I'm not really sure that’s going to work here though,” Clint said, “But unleashing the Hulk might just be the distraction we need.”

“Yes, I could unleash the Hulk, and then I could seduce him!”

“I meant you could unleash the Hulk, and he would tear the Hellicarrier apart. If they are busy dealing with Banner, we’ll be able open the portal without them bothering us,” Clint said. Loki nodded absent-mindedly, as his suit morphed from dark green to black. “Are you listening to me?”

“Yes, _yes_ , unleash the beast,” Loki said, then he looked up. “I think I shall try seduction first, however. When I arrive on the flying fortress and see this Banner I will make eye contact and give him my most enticing smile. If I can beguile him, then perhaps he will aid us in our plan.”

“I somehow doubt that, but anyway… Next, Tony Stark also known as Iron Man,” Clint said as he turned the tablet round.

“What quaint armour!” Loki cried. “Does he ride a horse?”

“No, that armour is equipped with multiple weapons, so don’t underestimate him. He isn't one of Fury’s favourites, but if he gets desperate enough he’ll call him in.”

“If this Stark is such a brave warrior, then why does Fury not like him?”

“Well, he drinks a lot, he’s pretty volatile, unpredictable, not a great team player and he’s definitely self obsessed.”

“Narcissism is such a terrible thing,” Loki said, as he picked a spot of dirt from his jacket, and then changed his tie from green to black. “Does this suit look good? I want to look my best.”

“It looks great,” Clint muttered, as he held the tablet up again. “So back to Tony, he lives in New York in this building. It’s powered by a giant Arc reactor, which is the same thing that Tony has in his chest, so if you need to use your sceptre on hi-”

“Oh, that structure is magnificent!” Loki exclaimed as Stark Tower flashed onto the screen. “If the power source is strong enough I want to use it to open the portal.”

“I thought we agreed with Selvig that we were going to use a nuclear power plant, somewhere out of the way, where we won’t be discovered?”

“No, I want that building,” Loki snapped. “People must see the power of my army. People must _know_ that I am their rightful ruler, and they must see my magnificence. They must see me defeat their only defenders, and know that I will crush their resistance under my foot! I demand an audience!”

Clint’s mouth formed a taut line as he tried to formulate a response that wouldn't end with him being skewered. “I’ll let Selvig know about the change of location when we land.”

“Excellent,” Loki smiled. “Is that the full team?”

“Oh, and of course there’s Natasha,” Clint said, prodding at the tablet and bringing up a video. “She’ll definitely be there.”

“A maiden? Should I attempt to seduce her as well?”

“Absolutely not, unless you want to be gutted and throttled with your own intestines,” Clint said. “With Natasha you should go for something more subtle. Try to scare her, play on her fears and definitely bring up some of the shadier things she’s done in the past.”

“Like what?”

“Like the time she started a fire in a hospital, a lot of people died in that one, and there was the incident with the daughter of a guy named Drakoff. You should probably bring up Sao Paulo too,” Clint said, as he flicked through images on the screen. “Don’t forget though, she is a master spy and she _will_ try to manipulate you.”

“Do you think this scarf goes with this suit?” Loki asked.

“Have you listened to a word I’ve said?”

“Yes, _yes_ , hospital fire, Drakoff's daughter, Sao Paulo,” Loki said. “This team, none of them seem particularly mentally stable. These are your defenders? A maiden, a drunkard, a beast, and a man who has been frozen in ice? If I were so desperate that I had to call upon an army of that calibre I would probably just surrender instead.”

“Don’t underestimate them. If you give them a reason to be pissed off they _will_ pull together, the plan is to divide and conquer so don’t do anything stupid like kill someone or something.”

“I can’t kill anyone?” Loki asked. “I am certain many have died already.”

“I mean don’t kill anyone important. Don’t kill Fury-”

“Damn.”

“Don’t kill Steve.”

“Damn.”

“And definitely do NOT kill Coulson. He’s a popular guy. It’ll get everyone riled up.”

“What about Stark?”

“You can probably kill him, if you really have to kill someone.”

“I understand.” Loki nodded, as he changed the style of his shoes.

“So the plan is solid then,” Clint said. “Absolutely nothing can go wrong, and you understand everything?”

“Yes.”

“Unless you kill someone.”

“I promise I will not kill anyone, except Stark.”

“As long as no one unexpected turns up, and the portal stays open, then this will work.”

“Why would the portal shut down?” Loki asked, suddenly looking up.

“I dunno, unforeseen circumstances, power fluctuations, hell, someone could even build a back door off switch without telling you, because this mind control thing still allows a certain amount of self control.”

“Are you suggesting my minions are disloyal?” Loki asked. “Perhaps we should execute them all and bring in new slaves?”

“No,” Clint said. “Just… don’t piss anyone off. Don’t give them a reason to be disloyal.”

“All right,” Loki said, and he suddenly regretted leaving Selvig a generous reward, complete with gift tag, of a dozen doughnuts filled with hot chilli sauce.


End file.
